Bipolar dilemnas

Now, I don't have bipolar disorder. I have my own demons, but not this one, Thank Gd! That said, I've lived with a bi-polar girl for three years and have come to recognize that tactlessness is often a two way street. So, here:

8 things not to say to someone who's bipolar:

1. "So in the morning you'll be fine, right?" Yes. No. Maybe. See, once my mood's gone off the rails, anything can happen. It's possible that I'll raise the dose of something or add something in for a night and wake up in the morning feeling perfectly fine, but it's also possible that recovery will take weeks, especially if my meds weren't adjusted properly to begin with. Alternatively, I might wake up the next morning in a normal mood but feel like a zombie because of the medication's side effects.
2. "Have you tried antidepressants?" No, I haven't, or if I have, bad things happened. See, when you give bipolar people antidepressants, they go manic. Imagine that in your brain there's a chemical switch. In depressed people it has 2 settings, depressed and normal. In bipolar people it has 3 settings, depressed, normal, and manic. Antidepressants flip that switch from the lowest to the highest setting, regardless of what you intended "highest" to be.
3. "Have you tried [insert alternative/additional therapy here]?" Just to clarify: bipolar disorder is a chronic biochemical imbalance in the brain. If what you're pushing makes some kind of sense, I might consider it, but the best it will do is make me feel slightly better or give me a coping mechanism. It won't make the problem actually go away; only medicine and psychotherapy can do that. Yes, prayer is wonderful, and God is a great listener, but doctors are His healing hands.
4. "This is happening to you because you [insert vice(s) here]. If you'd just [insert virtuous thing(s) here], you'd be fine." If you're lecturing me about getting enough sleep, you are likely correct. If you're lecturing me about anything else, then yes, I will feel better overall, but it won't stop me from having random biochemical blips that make my mood go nuts. Oh, and have I mentioned that you sound obnoxiously self-righteous?
5. "I have no idea what to do with you." There's a very simple solution: ASK! I will probably know what I need from you, and if I don't, that's my problem not yours. If what you mean is more along the lines of "You need more help than I can give you" or "I don't have the energy to deal with you all the time," then you should have said so, albeit gently.
6.  "When's the last time you took your meds?" in response to a strong emotional reaction. I am a human being with the same basic emotional responses as everyone else. Please do not pathologize my feelings and/or brush off an outburst as the product of a diseased mind until you have talked to me and tried to understand what I'm reacting to and why. If you're still concerned, watch for other signs of an altered mood, and let me know if you see them.
7. "OMG I feel so bad I didn't know what life is like for you I'm so sorry that I reacted like that!" or "I feel so useless that I can't help you!" Odds are that you said this in reaction to my explaining how being bipolar can make my life hell and/or how it changes things even when I'm not actually cycling. Odds are that when I explained this to you, I was looking for support. You have just turned the tables and made it about you and how you're a bad friend, thereby forcing me to expend energy that I may not have had in order to reassure you that it's ok. Fail.
8. "You're crazy." This is the worst thing you can say to someone who's bipolar, especially one who's crashing. If I'm having constant crazy mood swings, I already feel like I'm losing my mind and am scared of winding up in a psych ward. The last thing I need is for you to validate my fears. 

8 things someone with bipolar disorder canNOT say unless they want to be confronted with items on the above list:

1. "I'm just going through a manic phase right now/I just went through a phase, but I'll be good now." Look, I appreciate the update, but the stuff you did when you weren't thinking straight is still stuff you did. Excuse me for hoping you'll apologize, try to pick up the pieces, or come back to normal and deal with your stuff ASAP.
2. "I'm trying new meds right now. I'll be a bit loopy for the next few days." Look, you probably meant to give me a heads up and explain that until your meds are stabilized you're not going to have a lot of control over your behavior. But keep in mind that if you're going to clue me in on your cycle of meds and how they aren't working and how therefore you're going to be acting in strange and hurtful ways, you open yourself up to comments and criticism about them. Would you rather I criticized the effects of your medication or yourself?
3. "My meds aren't really working. My psychiatrist is thinking of trying something new." At this point, yes, I will suggest alternative methods of handling yourself or developing coping mechanisms because what you're trying isn't working and the hardest thing you can ask me to do, as a friend, is to sit back and watch you hurt yourself and those around you.
4. "I just didn't feel like eating today/ wanted to stay up until 3:00 am reading and have to be up at 7 am tomorrow/ so I'm too tired to manage things." At this point, if I'm stuck doing all the dishes AGAIN, because you felt too tired to do them, then yes, you probably will get a request to take better care of yourself.
5. "Hey, can I talk to you about x, y, z, a, b, c...in fact, can you just listen to my whole alphabet of problems that I will do very little to solve, but the kvetching will make me feel better? Every day or so?" At that point, I will be frustrated. If you're having difficulties and not trying to fix these problems - what's the point of my listening? 
6.  "Oops, I did that because I was manic/depressed/skipped meds." If I'm told that strange and hurtful reactions are the result of mismanaged medications, then "When's the last time you took your meds?" is my checking that you just pulled something because of a chemical reaction that you cannot help instead of a deliberate attempt to be hurtful. 
7.  Saying, "you have no idea what I deal with," then going on to explain it, is likely to get me to agree with you. In such a case, then, how would you like your apology?
8. "I'm having constant mood swings and I'm doing stuff that's hurting you, but it's not my fault because I can't control myself."  Sweetheart, I have to ask: in that case, what do you define as crazy?

You are now probably wondering what the correct responses are, particularly to someone who's crashing. So I give you, in no particular order... 
10 things TO say to someone who's in a bipolar cycle:

1. "I'm there for you."
2. "What can I do to help you?"
3. "I've noticed you doing x, y, and z, and I know that those can be signs of an altered mood. Are you ok?"
4. "Let's make a plan for how you're going to get through this."
5. "I know that you're having a hard time right now and can't perform normally. Normally I would ask you to do x, y and z. How much of that is actually reasonable to ask of you right now?"
6. "You know I'll always be there for you, but I'm not a substitute for a therapist. When are you seeing your therapist next?/How about we look into options for finding you counseling?"
7. "You know I want to be there for you, but I can't do it 24/7. Why don't we make a list of other friends you can confide in?"
8. "I know things look impossible right now, but I promise you that you can do this. You will come out the other side and feel normal again. It may take time, but it will happen."
9. "The voices telling you [insert negative things here]? Those are the bipolar demons talking. They're liars who sit there and mock you. Don't listen to them."
10. "I can't make the demons go away, but maybe I can help you quiet them down for a little while."

And sometimes, the best response of all: No words, just a hug and a listening ear.

At the same time, having a mental disorder is no excuse for some of the stuff that gets pulled "because you just couldn't help it."
At the end of the day - I don't know. It's a hard topic. It's hard for the people suffering, and it's hard for those around them as well.

Abercrombie and Fat

So, I should probably start by reposting old posts. However, I thought this was a pretty interesting development in the greater world, even if it isn't quite current events anymore. I'd love to know what you guys think.

A bunch of articles and opinions on the subject are featured below. Here is a quick overview of the story:

The CEO of the clothing store Abercrombie & Fitch, Mike Jeffries, stated that his store/brand refused to carry large sizes (XL and XXL) since the store was aimed at "attractive, all-American kids"  and intentionally excluded everyone else.
This infuriated a fair number of American female bloggers (bloggeuses? bloggettes? 'Blogger' just seems like a masculine-gendered noun to me.).
Reactions ensued.
One bloggess created a series of images starring a fat woman and a skinny man, seen here. (Not quite tznius)
Reactions ensued
One man, Greg Karber, began giving A&F's clothing away to homeless people, as explained in this video.
Reactions ensued.

Here are some of my reactions, in no particular order.

• A&F wants to carve out a marketing niche and is doing so through generating outrage. It's like when a particular celebrity claims to be x, knowing that it will provoke a reaction. So why is everyone (including me) giving them this reaction?
• Why can't I shop at stores like Torrid or Lane Bryant? Why can't I generate some outrage on behalf of my lack of shopping options? Y'know, 'cause us skinny folks feel excluded from the stores aimed at plus sized people.
• Pretty is power. Pretty women are treated very differently than plain ones. Do the most vehement objections come from the women who feel excluded?
• A&F doesn't care about the skinny people. All they care about is making money. They said it themselves. 
• Why are fat people getting mad? Why aren't they changing their diet/exercise program? I get that losing weight is difficult, frustrating, and just plain old hard. I've done it. 
• Take a look around the next time you're out in public in America. Skinny is dying. Most people nowadays are, at the least, comfortably padded. A size "small" today is comparable to a former "medium."  So...who can AF target? 
• Do these shoppers have no other option? They don't need to shop there. At least, I hope not. It's a pretty expensive store. 
• Why should A&F cater to you, you special widdle snowflake? You don't like them? Then don't give them your money! Why are you entitled to demand that a store, which admits to catering to a certain demographic, however tastelessly expressed, should consider you a part of their demographic? Go shop at a competing brand's store. Hit up your friendly local thrift shop. Learn to sew.
• The homeless only matter if you're making a point? Nothing in society is lower than a homeless person? That, right there, that is real consideration for the value of human dignity. I hope that Mike Jeffries is proud of himself. I am appalled. 
• A&F's target demographic is actually young men. Aside from Karber, where is the collectively blogged outrage of the menfolk? Buehler? Buehler...?
• Why is the countering photography campaign just a picture of a fat woman and a skinny man? Why not an overweight gentleman and a svelte dame? Oh right, "Family Guy" is already on television.
• I've never shopped there. Entering a dimly lit hallway, under the gaze of a half-dressed young man - my mama raised me better than that. ;) Actually, I just think that their clothes are severely overpriced, and those photos at the entrance scare me. 

How does something like this get more of a reaction than, say, nuclear developments in North Korea and/or Iran? Or the plight of the homeless in general? Or the chemicals in our food and cosmetics?

?!

I've started off with this because this is a fairly current event, and I think it says a lot. What do you all think?

Sheker hachen, hevel hayofi...

Be well,

Sparrow

_______

Sources:

The original story:

• http://www.salon.com/2006/01/24/jeffries/
• http://www.businessinsider.com/abercrombie-wants-thin-customers-2013-5#ixzz2SSY5zAd0
• http://www.metro.us/newyork/news/national/2013/05/07/abercrombie-fitch-only-wants-skinny-beautiful-customers/
• http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/fashion/abercrombie-won-sell-xl-article-1.1339454
• http://www.examiner.com/article/abercrombie-fitch-markets-to-skinny-women-only-no-fat-girls-allowed
• http://elitedaily.com/news/world/fat-blogger/
• http://www.hlntv.com/article/2013/05/12/abercrombie-fitch-ceo-mike-jeffries-no-fat-girls-xl-xll
• http://www.businessinsider.com/abercrombie-wants-thin-customers-2013-5
• http://www.forbes.com/sites/barbarathau/2013/05/21/may-21-embattled-ambercrombie-fitch-ceos-day-of-reckoning/
• http://retailindustry.about.com/od/frontlinemanagement/a/AbercrombieFitchMikeJeffriesquotes.htm
• http://www.hlntv.com/article/2013/05/12/abercrombie-fitch-ceo-mike-jeffries-no-fat-girls-xl-xll
• http://www.proprcopy.com/copywriters-blog/exclusivity-in-marketing-a-lesson-from-abercrombie/
• http://www.hlntv.com/article/2013/05/12/abercrombie-fitch-ceo-mike-jeffries-no-fat-girls-xl-xll

Some of the reactions:

• http://shesjustpleasantlyplump.com/2013/05/10/a-note-to-mike-jeffies-you-nasty-skinny-slimebucket/
• http://overit.com/blog/polarization-in-marketing
• http://www.growthelove.com/

On the plus size bloggeree:

• http://designtaxi.com/news/357748/Plus-Size-Blogger-Challenges-Abercrombie-Fitch-s-Skinny-Image/
• http://blog.timesunion.com/kristi/abercrombie-likes-their-customers-like-their-staffers-skinny/54863/
• http://suffragettekitty.wordpress.com/2013/05/11/the-skinny-of-abercrombie-fitch-it-aint-pretty/
• http://www.babble.com/kid/so-the-abercrombie-fitch-ceo-likes-hot-and-thin-people-this-is-new/
• http://juliehaddenblog.wordpress.com/2013/05/10/abercrombie-fitch-thinks-you-have-to-be-skinny-to-be-cool-think-again/
• http://marchingthroughlife.org/the-skinny-on-about-abercrombie-and-fitch/
• http://www.staceysays.com/2013/05/abercrombie-fitch-likes-skinny-chicks-who-cares/

Karber's Campaign:

• http://inhabitat.com/help-make-abercrombie-fitch-the-worlds-number-one-brand-of-homeless-apparel/
• http://www.tinaenad.com/tag/donating-abercrombie-fitch-to-the-homeless/
• http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/17/abercrombie-fitch-homeless_n_3293624.html
• http://www.theatlanticwire.com/business/2013/05/abercrombie-fitch-the-homeless/65297/
• http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-using-the-homeless-to-bash-abercrombie-fitch-not-cool-20130516,0,7446131.story
• http://mashable.com/2013/05/15/fitchthehomeless-abercrombie-fitch-homeless/
• http://boringly.com/abercrombie-fitch-is-worlds-number-one-brand-for-the-homeless-video_2e77698b7.html

Bribing God

Awhile back, I received an e-mail from a friend of mine. In it, she pointed out that we were both single, and she had a plan to fix this. The plan?
To spend some time regularly studying the laws of Lashon Hara, pledging to spend two hours a day not speaking Lashon Hara, in hopes that this would be a segulah to get us married. Then, as a group, the group devotes two weeks to devoting the merit of this learning to that person.

My reaction?

Wait, I'm supposed to try to manipulate my Creator through promising to do something I should be doing already? No, thank you.

Now, I think the whole learning the halachot of Lashon Hara is a great idea. It is something I plan to start doing.
The promise? Too difficult to make a promise about unless I make this promise between the hours of 3:00 through to 5:00 a.m.

Giving tzedaka is a time honored method for bribing God. But this? This makes me sad. Both because it seems to speak of an attitude where God can be bribed and because it seems as though my friend is really desperate about her single state.

Now, however, we're about to hit Tisha b'Av. I think that these Halachot, and those of dealing with others should be learned. Not, because we should try to manipulate or bribe the one who is our Father and King (Dad, I'll do the dishes for a month if I can just...) but because if we cannot treat each other well, then what is the point of this fasting? 


Amos: 5: 21 I hate, I despise your feasts, and I will take no delight in your solemn assemblies. 22 Yea, though ye offer me burnt-offerings and your meal-offerings, I will not accept them; neither will I regard the peace-offerings of your fat beasts. 23 Take thou away from Me the noise of thy songs; and let Me not hear the melody of thy psalteries. 24 But let justice well up as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream.

You have the right to...

Remain silent? Nah, it's a blog! You have every right to comment. In fact, I really, truly, deeply, Jewish star my heart and hope to fly you do!

You have every right to think. In fact, I hope you're using at least 12% of that gray matter.

More than that, you have every right to read and learn and search for information.

This past shabbat was a study in culture shock and in information. I went to shalosh seudot in a Satmar community.   The point, though, is that family and myself wound up talking with this nice Satmar family about the Internet Asifa.  Yep, we wound up on opposite sides of the argument. I think we managed to connect with the analogy of clothes.

If a store is selling some clothes that are objectionable, do you completely avoid it? No, you have to be able to tell which clothes are to be worn and which are not. Similar to the internet. You have to be your own filter. If you rely on the filter of others, you will just lose out on some really good information that the filter screens out by mistake.

Even more than this, books. "Where they have burned books, they ultimately will also burn people." (Heinrich Heine). Forget the burning.
Where they have banned books, they ultimately will also ban people. And it's a short step and a slippery slope from the banning to the burning. Look at the Rambam.

Now, it's fine if you want to say: this book is no good, and it has things no good person should be reading about and I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole!
But once you start to say: this book is no good, and no good person should read it, so how dare you read it!
You can get: This book is evil and we should completely prevent others from reading it!

 For those who say, "well, what about in school? Should kids in school be reading books like this?" I have to say, maaaaybe. It depends on the mission statement of the school. It depends on the background of the kids. It depends on the parents of the kids. ZP recently brought home to me that teachers aren't usually able to teach what they'd like.

 Now, ZP mentioned the other week in a comment, " The important thing is if a topic is being introduced, it needs to be presented and addressed properly. I am all about encouraging questioning and critical thinking, but answers need to be provided for."

Here's the problem, though. It really is only a short step from banning books to banning people. Some of the brightest apikorsim I've met are the ones who got kicked out of the yeshiva for asking questions. Now, as far as I know, those minds are lost to Halacha. And that's a crying shame.

If you're a teacher please, please, please don't shut down the kids asking questions you don't like. Ask to talk to them about it after class if you don't want it in the classroom, but don't shut them down. You may be shutting them down from being religious.

Another problem? When you try to say something doesn't exist because you find the content offensive, it just keeps popping up more and more strongly. The forbidden fruit tastes sweetest. Not only that, but blocking others from access just leads to rebellion.

So what happens if the answers reached aren't the ones you were trying to teach? What do you do then?

What do you do if your child is reading something very inappropriate? What if your child is trying to take that book out of the library? What if they're on an inappropriate website? What if they're saying something on a blog?

 What do you do?  Why?




- Sparrow

Internet: a plea for common sense

This is where I get out my ten foot pole and inch gingerly towards the quicksand. All good? Still here?
Time to pull on the asbestos gloves.

Today the topic which I'm about to touch is the Citifield Asifa. I think the counter-rally is really its own post.   This started out as a post about how stupid this all is, and how this isn't a good way to handle the situation (like burning your hand on a stove and then decreeing that all cooking should be done by microwave). Wouldn't education be better? For instance, teaching people about website evaluation and stuff like that?

Then I had a conversation with my dad. Dad is one of the smartest people I know and one of the kindest. (Really. This is a man who can explain why the sky is blue, do most household repairs and maintenance and is courteous to everyone)

Dad pointed out a few things. However much we all enjoy and use the internet, using the internet can become an addiction. If you don't believe me, look up the studies. I haven't seen anything good come out of an addiction to anything. Even Torah.  An internet addiction, though, isn't like being an alcoholic. Alcoholics might be "dry drunks" as long as they don't drink, but as long as they don't drink, they're ok. Not great, but ok. This is more like gluttony. You might be hugely overweight, but you still have to eat. It's a lot harder to control yourself and give yourself a tiny portion of something you really want then to avoid it completely. (Dad's analogy)

So, I have a solution that might work better than a filter for people who want such a gadget. Get rid of your wi-fi, ethernet or high speed internet completely. Use a modem connection instead.

Why? Several reasons.

1. The minute you try to log on, everyone will know you're online. Modems create a ridiculous amount of noise when getting online. You can't sneak onto the internet.

2. Things run sl-o-o-o-wly. Some image heavy sites don't load right. This means that, unless you want to read a paperback novel in the time it takes to, for example, check all your blogs, you have to prioritize which sites you use.  If image heavy sites, or sites with videos take forever to load, then you're going to want to check your e-mail or something in the hour or so which you have to be online.
(Ok, it takes me about an hour and a half to read a paperback. Still!)

3. I speak from experience. For most of my life, my house has had a modem connection. It's really annoying to stay online if it takes forever to get anything done.



Night all,


Sparrow

It's the end of the year as we know it!

School's out! Ok, not really. I do still have a few classes to wrap up. Most importantly,  I'm done with all of my final projects.  I have free time once again.
Now what on earth do I do with it?

I started this blog in the middle of finals while looking for a way to procrastinate. (Bright, yes) I started looking for Jewish blogs and started finding everybody. I plan to keep reading and I'm hoping to keep this going now that I'm just about done with my spring semester.
Here are seven things I've learned from my first year of grad school. 

1. I started out thinking: I'm all grown up! I'm an adult now. Yep, totally an adult.
Mom, hey Mom, watch me be all grown up! Abba, look at what a big girl I am.
Mom?
Dad?
IMMA?! ABBA?!
I'm not that far away, right? Can I still come home?  
Stuff I've learned: The older I get and the more I learn, the more my parents seem to already know.
(I would NOT have said this as an undergrad.)

2. I realized how much time I have. More exactly, I realized how much time I don't have and how much time I waste. Time I spend on blogs? This is valuable. Really, I'm learning so much and I'm just getting to know everyone. Can't I read one more post? Please? I read really fast...After I write that essay? Oh, ok then.
I've finally learned time management skills, and how (not) to procrastinate. I've turned into a consistent "A" student for the first time since second grade.
Stuff I've learned: Doing things at the last minute means that I leave important stuff out by mistake. Like a bibliography. ;)

3. I started out trying to end up in bed at midnight every night. Hah!
Two am means a good night's sleep. Over this past year, I've started waking up for Shacharit every single morning (except that one day when I accidentally set my alarm for 7:30 PM. Oops).  Except for Shabbat when I can't set an alarm clock and end up waking up in time for: Rabbi's speech.
Stuff I've learned: If you're the only girl consistently up for shacharit, then you make a lot of friends at breakfast.
More Stuff I've learned: I know I'm an adult when I want an afternoon nap. ;)

4. I started out trying to do everything this year.
Nope. I'm a grad student and I work part time. I hope my friends will still be there come summer and I'm available to hang out again.
Stuff I've learned: Shabbat is when I get to hang out and talk with friends.
More stuff I've learned: Saturday nights are for...sleeping!

5. I started out trying to avoid boys and shidduchim this year. Not that I'm not interested, just didn't want the hassle when I was trying to figure out grad school. I didn't renew my SYAS subscription (subject of another post). I didn't ask my friends to set me up. I wasn't seeing anybody. Yeah. I did wind up seeing somebody and it didn't work out.
Stuff I've learned: If a boy is interested, he really will ask you out.
More stuff I've learned: If I spend two hours on the phone talking with boy every night, I will be in bed at 5 am....and up at 7:30 am. Workload is no joke.
Still more stuff I've learned: If a person who keeps shomer negiah goes out with somebody who doesn't keep shomer negiah - expect lots of frustration from both ends.

6. I started out thinking of myself as an independent person.
My friends influence me more than I like to think possible. It's not just that I'm judged by the people with whom I surround myself, it's also that I pick up quirks from them as well.
Example? As an undergrad, I rented a house with three other girls. All of them struggle with depression, one copes with bipolar and another has ADD. I wound up seeing a shrink and getting diagnosed with depression co-morbid with anxiety. Which I don't have.
This disappeared once I limited with most of them. I'm doing well now, no meds, managing all my own stuff (which I was doing anyway) and am, in general, much healthier.
Stuff I've learned: Insanity really is contagious! So are smiles. And pillow fights.

7. I started out thinking that a grad school degree guarantees me a job.
This was the hardest one to realize.  As you may have guessed, I'm currently a bit nervous about my job prospects when I graduate. Not only that, but in today's economy, the only thing a degree guarantees is thousand-dollar wallpaper. Do your research before you pick your major (and grad school!)
Stuff I've learned: Kavannah in davening!  (Dear Gd, please get me a good job...)

To leave on a high note, here are some funny things I overheard in class:
"When in high school, if I'd put half the work into my studies as I did into avoiding the school dress code, I would have been an honors student!"

"Now that it's vacation, I'm sure that many of you are tired and want to catch up on sex."
(I'm sure the professor meant to say "sleep")

"I order you to think inquisitively!"


Night All,

 Sparrow